My Valentine

I am a murderer of the worst
kind
I've taken lives of
five
six
seven maybe more
even by proxy
Blood
body parts
broken souls
and smiles
Blunt force trauma
to the forehead
I wonder if he envisioned
my legs
my bare thighs
my socked feet
As he pulled that Ralph Lauren
tight enough
to cut off her air
Maybe my ways
my murderous ways
drove him to kill
on the day of love
A card
A red candy heart
and her own skin & blood
beneath her pretty fingernails
I had only one accomplice
he has nightmares
And wakes with a
plastic smile
He won't blame me
nor himself
But he doesn't know
the lie I told the old man
Got him
life
without parole
and deprived the
battered women's group
of one of its
most dedicated members

Gathering

No one's ever
physically
noticeably
moved away from me
Just to avoid
Being in the same space
As me
Before tonight.

I try to tell myself
it's him.
Because it is.

Very strange.

Have you ever walked away
from the guy
You know the one
Who asks you for a dollar
To draw your picture
You instinctively tell him no
But you know you shouldn't

And he draws you anyway
And asks about your children

You end up giving him $5 for his intuition.

And you remember those eyes
the ones that walked out
The ones that don't say
Goodnight
Anymore.

You spend half an hour
Listening to a song
You shouldn't
But it plays and repeats
And you talk yourself out of
being totally
alone.
It's not you.
It's them.

But the bed is still
empty.
And the phone still rings
And you answer it
Even though you shouldn't.

And you say,
"I'm leaving soon."

Spending Hours

I love my little
Space in the world
On days like this

On any other day
It is too small
Too cramped
Too cluttered
Too dusty
And too drafty

But today
The sun pours in
Through the blinds
Onto the shiny
Wood floors
Like white
Shimmering
Translucent
Powdered sugar
Sifted and sprinkled
On top of a delicious treat

I want to spend my hours today
With a friend
A friend who brings out the courage in me
A friend who has
Lips and fingertips
Reminiscent of those
For which I traded my soul
Ten years ago

A friend who is always transparent
A friend who gets frustrated easily
But lets her ingenuity
And braveness shine through brilliantly
Always at the perfect moment

A friend who has high hopes
And lofty dreams
And isn't afraid to step out
And claim them as his
Who sees complete strangers
Alone and crying
And writes them love notes

A friend who knows the value
Of old hat boxes
And fifty year old prints
That remind her of childhood
And her mother
Making me just a little more thankful
That she is mine

A friend that makes me laugh
Out loud
And doesn't understand why
Whose giggle is uncontrollably
Contagious
Who lets me protect her
And love her
Even when she doesn't feel lovable

It is days like today
With the delicious sunshine
Wafting into my little corner
That I love my space
And my friends
And my life

Dreams and Sleep

how is it
that a perfectly confident
twenty-four year old
woman
can have one day
she struggles to get through
and goes to her safe place
to collapse
and remind herself
to breathe
and ends up
hosting a party
between her pillows
and her tears
for a couple of hours
she becomes that eleven year old
girl
laying in bed in the dark
crying herself to sleep
because her seventh grade boyfriend
found something better
and the world looks
totally bleak
again
and the only saving grace
is her mother
who sits quietly
stroking her daughter's hair
and reminding her
there's so much of the world
she's yet to experience
but there's no one
sitting on the edge of the bed tonight
it's a party for one
host and guest of honor the same
the heaviness envelops her
but the words are still present
they hang in the air
and work their magic
just like they did
thirteen years ago
they sprinkle
painfully hopeful fairy dust
on a grown little girl
who wants to be loved
she closes her eyes
and breathes out one quiet breath
and lets the draft of cold air
coming through the window
infuse the uncertainty
with dreams
and sleep

Puffer Fish

Chest bowed up
Voice projected to the back wall
He spouts proudly
His profound exposition
Wrinkled brow
And pointed finger
Confirm his sovereignty
And omniscience
His compassion and
Humility are locked away
In a tiny box
Stowed in a cabinet
In his corner office
Only for use
When such would be praised
Yet the same souls
Return week after week
Begging for another beating
All in the name of
Doing what is "right"

God bless cocktail napkins at smokey bars

There's a girl at the end of the bar
She's pretending to listen
to the music
Her husband's eyes
have wandered more than once
to Whitney's tits
And he's not as lonely
as the white-haired man
next to him
His gaze is fixed on the bartender
And what about Mr. Cufflinks
He's been sitting alone since we came in
I bet he'd pay
for a blowjob
The bearded 21 year old
at the pool table
stabs that damn stick at the ball
three times before he hits it
I bet that's the way he fucks

Therapy

This is my forum
My way of shouting with written words
My fear and insecurity
Will not allow these silent screams
To be heard by actual ears
They will not allow me to speak of
The way I feel about the fact
That my father overlooks my birthday
And appears to view his only daughters
As inconveniences
Or the fact that every day
I talk myself into and out of
Then back into a relationship
With the man I love
Are my needs important?
Why do I feel like a supplement
To your incomplete life
Like someone once said
I only write you these pretty words
Because the truth would scare you

Irony

His gentle smile
His warmest touch
His tightest embrace
Belonged to me tonight
Oh that every moon
Were the same as this
To live a life
With a possession
Such as this
Is not mere life
But simple perfection

Ryan Faith

Ryan Faith
That is the name
I would have given you
Had I the chance
I cannot say
You were taken from me
But rather I let you go
With pain and tears
Much afraid
Some would say
I did not love
Cruel judgement
Is the trend
But all will be right
On the day
Oh that day!
When I see my
Own eyes looking back at me
As we reach
To touch the face of God

One

His kisses drip like honey
Sweet and soft
Onto my lips
His hands so gentle
But with the strength
Of a thousand men
Travel oceans and lands
Across the continent
Of my skin
The floodgates of the deep
Swing open in my soul
Spilling every ounce
Of anything that is within me
Into his being
I can feel my heart
Pounding through his back
And I feel his breath
Upon my skin
And for just a moment
I forget we are two

Lemonade

An overwhelming sense of calm
Has overcome me today
And happiness has made its place
In my soul
He tells me each day to choose
But today I have been chosen
For now I realize
That my sorrow has no place
And no use
In the lives of those around me
And the possibilities
Of the future far outweigh
The trials of today
Today my eyes have been opened
Not to my losses
But to the unimaginable
Possibilities that lie
In front of me
To be a blessing
In the lives of others.

Sad October

Today
He has a wife
And child
Of his own
Two years ago
I took him to Sonic
To tell him goodbye
Six years had lead up to this
He held my face
And said
I'll sell the truck
We'll use the money
For rent
We can be together
You can have the baby
We could be
A family
I looked him in the eye
Said No
And went to Tennessee

Close Enough

He says my words
Draw him to intimacy
In a way he doesn't understand
I listen as
He tries to express
Outwardly
What he cannot organize
Inwardly
I seem to be a whirlwind
Sucking people in
Scattering things here and there
Never knowing where
They might land
But hoping all the while
That one of them
Might not be moved
And now it is
That I know what it means
To never be
Close enough

Little Sister

My little one's home
Just walked through the door
Didn't say a word
As usual
Sometimes you'd never even know
She was here
Other times she screams so loud
You wonder where in the world
All that anger is coming from
Sometimes you hear
Loud crashes and things
Banging against the walls
Another material possesion
Suffers at the hand of rage
Sometimes when you look at her
She stares back
With cold eyes and shrieking words
But none the less
She is my little one
And I'm glad she's home

And Goodnight to You All

The year was
Nineteen fifty something
He called from a phone booth
To declare his independence
"You'll be a failure!" she shrieked
His "convenient" nervous breakdown insued
Are you a serpent?
I should think not!
Do you eat eggs?
Yes.
Then you must be a serpent!
If you call a baby boy a pig long enough
Eventually he will become just that
He told his story through Alice
For forty years it echoed
In the back of his mind
"You'll be a failure!"
And yet with teary eyes
Twenty-Five of us were silent as he said
"And goodnight to you all."

Calm Before the Storm

White and smooth
Warm against my face
My breath is hot
And my cheek sticks to his skin
Burried in his chest
I cannot move close enough
I curl closer and
Make my frame smaller
To fit into his
I close my eyes
And smell his skin
And tuck away in my mind
The warm wet feeling of
His flesh on mine
Like a child I am nestled
And pushed into him
He hovers over me
His chin against my forehead
Once again I breathe in
And feel safe

Green Rain

The sky wears its
Darkest deepest expanse of blue
Such a color that has never
Been created by human hand
Ominous and all encompassing
It surrounds me
The drops begin to fall
Wet but not cold
Everything it touches
Seems to be a brighter shade
Of itself
Suddenly nurished and alive
It reminds me how
He feeds my soul
He encompasses my spirit
And I feel new
I feel alive
He is the sky
His love is my
Green Rain

Angels of Light

A light haired angel
Carries a child of darker skin
They run through fields
Of midnight
And stardust
Hand in hand
Across rivers and oceans
Of time and memory
The angel in curly tendrils
Carries upon her head
The mark of her father
As the child by her side
Cradles the moon
In her arms
They prance and glide
Through worlds of light
Touching one star
Then the next
To light the sky
For the dreamers below

Someday I Hope to Say to My Daughters

I did not spend half of my life
In a loveless marriage
It took me 6 1/2 years to finish college
Because I fell in love
And then fell out rather violently
I did things they stoned people for
In the Old Testament
Several times and never regretted a day
I tip toed to the very edge and peered over
I spread my arms and felt the wind against me
And felt the thrill of what might happen
If I just leaned forward
I gave,I took,I had brief psychotic episodes
Just as every woman should
I laughed
I loved passionately, vehemently, violently
Gently, serenely, and deeply
I learned that I don't have an on/off switch
I didn't stay inside the lines
But most of all I lived vibrantly

Late September

I step outside
And the coolness
Of the late September air
Surrounds me like a blanket
And reminds me of the nights
We would go out to the shed
To listen to the band play
And drink beer
And attempt to smoke cigarettes
And the night we drove to the field
Behind St. Greg's
Covered in sleeping bags and blankets
The bed of a red Chevy
Became my safe place
And my home
I found something I was good at
And someone who needed me
And I was content
It's nights like this
That I miss him